I love you! xx
I love you! xx
Dear Diary, 19th October
I am writing a “letter.” Tina wanted me to do this as an exercise if I were to give this letter. I would never give it obviously, but these are the things I would say.
Dear Mum And Dad,
I am sorry for not being the perfect daughter. I am sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. It was my fault that I couldn’t be what you wanted. I am sorry I am not skinnier, smarter, organised, responsible or observant. I wish I could have been that for you. Partly, some of it is your fault, some mine. To be honest, I am fed up. I am sick of feeling not good enough for both of you. I try my hardest in everything that I can, majority schoolwork. I study hard, I listen in class, I rewrite my notes and I am attentive and practical. But, high 80’s were never good enough. B’s or C’s, was a major disappointment. I will never be Einstein; I will never be as smart as you want me to be. And I don’t have more “potential” I do what I can. But you make me feel like shit everyday, and say that what I do is not good enough or that I could do “better.”
You say I don’t listen to you, that I am not responsible, that I don’t clean the house or that I am lazy, fat, or stupid. I believe that you are my trigger. Or at least one I have figured out. You make me feel like shit, and that was why I ended up in the deep end. Other things contributed, but you were one of them. I would never say that to you because I know how much that would hurt. I respect you and I try to love you, but unfortunately, sometimes I do not care for you at all, simply because I never had that bond with you. I never got that unconditional love that some of my friends feel for their parents. It may have been my fault, or yours, I am not sure of that. But I know certainly, that telling your children that their marks are never good enough and constantly telling them that we don’t do shit around the house or listen to you or we are arguing, fuck you.
I am done with following your orders. I have been tempted so many times to dye my hair or get piercings or do anything without your permission, but I respect you and do what I am fucking told. So don’t you ever dare tell me again that I disrespect you and don’t listen; because I make my decisions on your behalf. I decide what food I am going to eat, where I go, what clothes I buy, how I style my hair, my grooming choices. You surround everything to the point where I don’t even have a personality anymore. I have no beliefs. I am just a sheep. Following your orders to the point where I never make my own decisions.
I am so sorry for not being what you wanted. I guess I will never be good enough, same with Emilia. Both of your “little” girls just didn’t make it because of your poor empathy skills. Not being able to know how we feel. Because you always think you are right. Well guess what, you are never fucking right. You are always wrong.
Sorry about how harsh it was, but that is the truth.